Recently four students at my school were issued conduct slips on the bus. The slips arrived via fax and said that the three boys and one girl were yelling and moving from seat to seat while the bus was moving. When the driver asked them to be quiet and sit still, he was ignored. Of course, I called each of the offenders to my office. The consequence was to miss three recesses and write a reflection of what happened and what could have been done differently. I explained that after a second conduct slip, students lose bus riding privileges for a few days. Three of the four students seemed to regret what they had done. Two understood that if they lost the bus privilege, it would be a family hardship.
Protocol in the case of a bus conduct slip is to contact parents. I decided to make the calls after school and looked up contact information for each child. Who should I call, mom or dad? My first inclination is always to call mom.. but is that politically correct? For child number one, I decided to try dad's number first. The call went something like this:
"Mr. B.this is the principal. I am calling to talk to you about a conduct slip that your child received for yelling on the school bus and jumping from seat to seat while the bus was moving."
"Ummm, well... My son really isn't with me much. I only see him on weekends."
"Mr. B. I think you can see that your son's behavior is distracting the driver. I hope we can be a team and help him learn to listen to the driver."
"Like I said, he's not with me much."
I then realized I wasn't going to get much support here, and said goodbye. This dad did not want to get involved with the problem.
I decided to call mom and got her voicemail. I left her a message.
Next, I tried to contact the next set of parents. This time I tried to call mom first. The call went something like this:
"Mrs. C. this is the principal. I am calling to talk to you about a conduct slip that your child received for yelling on the school bus and jumping from seat to seat while the bus was moving."
"Uh, huh. Well, you'll have to talk to his father. You see, he doesn't live with me. I see him every other weekend."
Passing the buck and not taking parenting responsibilities seemed to be an emerging pattern. Passing problems off to the other parent looked like a way to avoid confronting a child. No wonder they misbehave!
I was shocked and a little disheartened. Are children becoming disposable, something to put aside when a parent tires of them?
I tried to contact dad and got his voice mail. I left him a message.
I did get a chance to talk to the mothers of the other two conduct slip recipients. But still, I worried about the first two children with nonresponsive parents. Is this pattern becoming the new norm? If so, how can we help the children to learn from mistakes and take responsibility for their actions?
This is so sad, but I expect we will see more and more of it. On the flip side, we have divorced parents who compete to be "in the driver's seat" and every little thing then turns into a power struggle that's all about the parents and not really about the child. The result is duplicate parent-teacher conferences, report cards, and student projects. And heaven forbid the teacher forgets to write down part of the child's hyphenated last name...
ReplyDeleteI agree w/ Michele...we see it more and more. Sometimes its a passive response, sometimes its anger towards "the messenger", or blaming each other. I have some duplicate conferences because parents won't be in the same room together. There's only so much time to get them done, so its a little frustrating. Then again, I've seen some awesome responses from parents that want to "partner" with me about their child's needs...but certainly over the last 12 yrs there's been a trend of change.
ReplyDeleteThe situation is very unfortunate. I believe that many parents are nonresponive due to their own sense helplessness. As educators, we have all had moments when after trying all the tools in our toolbox, we are still at a loss to help a student. We feel like we have failed that student in that moment or in that year. Can you imagine carrying that feeling constantly? It is not right, but it is what it is. One of the biggest things we can do for these kids is help them see a future. Directing them to acknowledge the empathy for their parents' hardship helps them connect emotionally to their mistakes. That is a big step. When they lose that empathy, it seems nearly impossible to reach the child and help them cope.
ReplyDeleteAlso...if these are kids with older siblings, is the feeling of hopelessness/helplessness felt by the parent(s) amplified that much more? Parents would numb themselves as a way to cope themselves. Denial. I wonder how many other calls were made from other parents/after school program directors/principals/teachers these parents received this fall? Have there been any positives for the students or the parents?
I am hoping this is not a new norm. I know it is a reality which will never completely go away. The best we can do is stay open, supportive, and approachable. Letting 5-10 year old children give up on themselves is not an option.